Letters

Having suffering from a severe case of hearing impairment practically from the day I was born has definitely played an immense role in how I chose to live the majority of my childhood. All I wanted to be was “normal” so I did absolutely everything imaginable to be able to pull this off. I wanted to look cool around others, so I believed that not caring about grades and skateboarding instead would help me achieve this dream. I spent most of my time pretending to be someone I was not.

It can really begin with one cup of tea, not just to say it, but that’s where it started for me at least. And by that I mean really making one cup of tea, the way tea is supposed to be. That is taking about a tablespoon of loose leaf tea and putting it into a Guiwan or another tool of that sort, rinsing the leavesif called for, steeping it for around 45 seconds to a minute in the right temperature water, and then at last enjoying each and every moment in its entirety.

Please continue this sacred work, and keep your roots strong and deep like a wild fig tree and know this is such an important step toward our collective consciousness, or whatever direction we’re going!

I love nature and I am dedicated and motivated to come to the same level as these plants and begin to hear what they are saying to us, what they have been saying to us all this time. I am now taking the time to finally listen.

I am disabled. My head is disabled, or disorganised. the bookshelves have all fallen down, and I need to pick each book back up and place it where it belongs and the right order and the right fashion, doing it all by love.

I asked for this. I asked for this reality, for these open eyes, and that is what I now have. I have my eyes open, and there is now a lot to see, there is a lot to take in, to register, within this tiny grand world.

Why have I always felt alone… where is everybody, the world, so I may hold its hand and walk with joy from place to place.

But you listen; you care about the words that are trying to be said, deeper than the sound and into the content.

My mind assures me that my hands are comfortable with everything they pick up and put back down.

I have been working on trying to accept it a little more, let it in as being a truth in my life, something I am having a lot of difficulty coming to terms with. And so I walk around pretending I don’t have this feature that controls a fair percentage of my life and I think that contributes to why I am terrified to talk about this to anyone, even you.

It's is a gray sky and the universe of my mind is a harsh tornado of unbearable wind.

I want to say it all but I want to say it right and with brevity, so that way only my gratitude is understood. That is all I can be, grateful, for the beautiful Life I have been given, every little part of it. That includes the painful parts and the blissful parts. I wouldn’t want it any other way. I say that wholeheartedly.

Truthfully, I love you so so sooooo much and that comes from my entire heart, a dog's heart.

My feet sink, my mind floats

My spirit is.

A bird calls my name, my heart responds.

What a change over these three days, from beginning to near finished, to feeling low to feeling high, how could a basket make me feel this way?

Being hearing impaired since birth and then discovering at the age of seventeen that I was beginning to lose my vision, my inner world has been shattered and then shattered again into smaller pieces.

Neither happy nor sad, I just am.

You ask me how I am. I say I am.

You see, there is nothing, but that is okay.

Who are we? I demand an answer but an answer does not come.

I yell for something, and a leaf gently falls to my feet.

Why the leaf, why the wind against my face, why the thoughts overflowing the lake of the unknown?

I'm losing my eyesight. I can no longer see in the dark at all, my eyes don't adjust. As much as I want to socialize and hang out with all of you beautiful people, I'm deeply afraid. I'm working on it. The difficulty will always remain but I'm working through the fear. It takes over my decision making processes and it's much easier to say no than to put myself in an environment I perceive to be uncomfortable.

My credit card has expired, my computer won’t turn on. How much worse does it get? Hearing aids break... what else? Just let me know.

As I lose my hearing and my sight, I wonder why, why you did this to me, why you made my life this way. You complex being, nature. The most complex organism of them all and why, why is this home leaving me dumbfounded. The sounds of the birds bugging the machine in my ear. All the sound I hear is merely synthetic.

I walked by a fawn, a little baby deer. Starting eye to eye and just as I began to say I won’t hurt you, a gunshot rang. Why?

Feeling my way around the darkness but I can’t find anything to touch to get my bearings, just reaching out into space and trying to remain calm. Then I know my breath is with me. Then I can feel my body, my body that carries me strong. Even in the darkness, I find a way to thank the working parts.

I ask for company and then ask to be alone. I begin to form relationships and then take actions to turn those same good people away. I see this in me, this goes around and around.

The weather, the wind, the fly that lands on my bare toe. Why can’t I understand? We’re healing, learning the language slowly. If it takes a lifetime, so we will be able to share it all with those who come after. Those who come before and those who come after and here I crouch by the hemlock and oak.

Thank you to a very powerful knife cutting my left thumb gently and by right pointer finger deeply. It is starting to clot now and bleed less. I thank the knife for its power.

Just seeking answer, I just want to hold your hand. But two reasons now, but the main one is because I want to hold your hand, the second reason is because I want to hold your hand, oh yea and because it would help me out and we could explore the darkness together.

The mushrooms, but I don’t know who they are yet. Every time I stumble by, I get just a little more familiar.

When you’re without, you very clearly see what you’re with. When you’re with, you can forget it all.

The stars shine bright, the guitar strums, the people walk, the cows graze. This happens day after day as the sound of the song goes on. Ever repeating, ever collapsing, ever fulfilled, ever full of tears. Full of tears for the beauty which cannot be held for long.

The heat is beautiful; we just need to become the heat and then there's no such thing as being too hot.

There are many things I wish to say to you but don't, thoughts that appear and thoughts that I wish you would hear but that I later forget or choose to remain silent out of shyness.

It's just that I like doing stuff what with you. You're inspiring and you have a lot to teach. You help me see the world. I like the adventures. They're less fun any other way.

This journey is to bring you to the you you wish to be with and live as every day. If it happened overnight it would be incomplete.

I’ve been making cinnamon raisin sourdough for the last week. Seems to be a hit. I hope you can try some, sometime. Or we can bake it together! I’m still very much in the process of learning. Today I took the dough down to the hoop house so I could take care of them. They seemed to have fun :)

Being alone can be very lonely but it’s the way I’ve built my world. It’s a strange way to be but it is what it is for now and will change when the time is right.

I just wonder why we don’t give up, when time after time we get beaten lower and lower... that’s all.

I want to awaken. I want to give what I can to my people, my community, to the world in the ways that I can.

But I at the same time I’m afraid to see and so I keep my eyes closed.

Why are we here, any of us? The dogs, cows, ants, what are we all doing at the end of the day? Where do we come from and where are we going?

Do you feel awake? Do you feel alive?

I often don’t though I am trying. But am I really?

I’m afraid of the world and now is the time to begin facing these fears. But I go on sitting in the shadow.

I suppose my past drives me to be more compassionate and is a source of wisdom but just knowing it’s in the book is hard to accept and forgive.

TDog (by the way, we all have “trail names” here that we call each other and believe it or not my name is WolfDog. Thought it fit appropriately)

I’m thinking about the medicines you mentioned, keeping an eye out but unable to find them as of yet. I want to send them back your way, just to remind myself, you mentioned doe sage, mountain sage, kinnikinnick, and obsidian. I’m having trouble finding doe sage and kinnikinnick even though I know they’re out here. I’ll keep trying.

By the way, I finally graduated from college. It’s not a big deal but it’s also a big deal. I did not realize how good it would feel to accomplish something.

It’s like climbing a mountain. Sometimes we reach a point where we’re so exhausted and it feels like there’s no possible way but there’s something deep down inside of us that gives us the strength to push forward. And then marmots eat all of your stuff just in case it wasn’t good enough.

As for gear, I have a relatable issue as most of it is also back on the east coast. When I was moving out here, I somehow forgot there was a winter season.

Although having hearing difficulties can be frustrating and difficult at times, I feel with things in their right place and the technology maintained and optimized, I'm able to thrive which feels rather odd and unwarranted.

Sometimes I want the experience to already be over as silly as that sounds but then I remember that the end will arrive probably much sooner than I expect and if I maintain this useless longing I will miss out on what's right here.

I've gotten used to cold showers. We spent the rest of the day in the gardens. Of course, I broke the one nice shovel we have out here. Getting anything replaced out here is a huge ordeal so breaking a shovel was not good!

So, thank you for being a good friend. I seriously don’t know how far gone I would be if it wasn’t for the love you share with me so I’m deeply grateful for our friendship.

Working and spending time with the gauchos really offered another perspective on how people can live their lives, seeing that they spend so much of their time in the high country in small dwellings calles puestos, horse riding, herding cows, drinking matés, and having asados (goat roasts). In fact their entire diet consists of goat and tortas fritas which is flour dough fried in goat fat haha. A simple existence but complex in other ways unfamiliar to me.

Maybe as I keep going further south I’ll just keep loving each place more and more until I arrive in Antartica.

I’m worried that life will pass by and I will look back at it all (if I make it to my later years) and wonder what the hell it was all for. I don’t want to regret how I chose to live my life.

That's all it is, learning these different languages, seeing what languages resonate with us, and then all-out pursuing those languages we vibe with to gain a much greater and more significant understanding of it. And then maybe we'll come to see that they're all pointing to the same thing, once the full depth is realized.

I actually was out climbing a mountain last Friday by myself and barefoot and got to put my skills to the test when a rock broke off and nicked an artery on the top of my foot. Lost a lot of blood (it was projecting out of the top of my foot) but created a nice tourniquet and survived to tell the story.

vision - I am fully night blind, which means my eyes don't adjust in low

light environments. My solution has been high quality headlamps during

those hours which makes all the difference. My peripheral visual field is

diminishing and that is affecting my vision during daytime hours but at

this time, it is only slightly since the condition is early in its

progression. There are certain spots that I notice to fall out of my visual

field, but I haven't found it to be an issue yet.

I discovered the alpine environment and high mountains three years ago and immediately fell in love. The powers of the mountains is medicine and I have felt light come into my life spending this time with the mountains.

I want to have a significant impact on this world because I love this world.

I have a condition called Usher Syndrome that is rapidly causing me to lose my vision and hearing, which is a bit of a wild and exciting journey.

Definitely sad to leave an incredible place but places tend not to go anywhere which is always encouraging.

This is what I’ve been seeking and reaching out for, a process of stumbling into many obstacles and having to constantly reroute and reassess the undefined and pathless pathway. It is like a first ascent. There are no rules. There is nobody to follow. We must trust the knowledge that we have gained from our experiences to guide us forward and into the unknown.

I’m finally taking your sensible advice. Thanks for offering it a while ago and for being patient while I had to realize it in a very detoured expensive and roundabout way.

Like the weather in the mountains, with blue skies on one hand and white

out storms on the other, I feel like I've been going through some dramatic

internal weather patterns but I try my best to trust this process.

What is it that allows us to overcome something that was once next to impossible? Glad you did it, maybe we can jump in this weekend, when nearly every part of our being is telling us not to but yet we listen to the smallest voice down there saying “do it!”

I feel rather distant from the “dream world,” and it’s been like for a little while. I don’t put enough attention into or perhaps move slow enough to melt into this world and come back remembering the nightly journey. The door seems closed right now with a lock that I have the key for somewhere but temporarily misplaced it.

My mind keeps flashing back to the farm. It keeps switching back to that place, being in the sun, being outside, working hard, working with animals and plants.

I just think I let a lot of things (fears) get to my head and ran off. The fears grow strong when something gets too good, which is odd.

It’s crazy to think we inhabit this earth with such wild creatures while we just go about our business with the occasional white tail hopping through. I’ve all love for the deer too but to think of rhinos and hippopotamuses existing at the same time is just insane.

Just cubicle dreaming, finding the stars within the four walls that surround me. It’s okay, I know the universe is big, when we sometimes feel enclosed in small spaces.

The birds were being very loud (as they should be, they can do what they want 😊) but I couldn’t hear you! I feel that sometimes I don’t respond well to what you are saying and it’s not that I ever mean to overlook or disregard what you are saying. It is mostly because there are moments I can’t hear you with the loud surroundings but I’m doing my best and really love talking to you.

To feel at home, it’s not really something I’ve felt in a long time. So I dream of the feeling.

However, I also respect the pain and sadness that moves through me and leave room for it because I know that it is what inspires the adventuring part of me.

I will often take my hearing aids out which bring about a soothing sense of calmness and quietness amongst all the noise we can be surrounded by. Sometimes the literal noise of the cityscape (cars, people, wild energy everywhere) and the noise that corrupts and distorts most of the valuable and high-quality information/"truths" of the world become nearly unbearable and having a quiet place to go is reassuring and I am overcome with sense of peace and gratitude.

The uncomfortable is the place I love to exist in, where the ground is just slightly out of reach and we have to find calmness with what we have and where we are, knowing and trusting that we are growing and becoming.

Pain can really challenge us to show up as our best selves but I will say it is noble when you see somebody pushing through pain maintaining kindness and love with the world.

I'm often asking the world for adversity believing that I will learn something and grow from it, and I suppose this is getting what I ask for.

My hands are ripped after a wonderful opportunity of growth today and a super challenging section on this route. Kept falling, my body was done, my mind was done, but somehow I was able to keep going, eventually. It wasn't pretty 😂

Before that, I did not know or realize the power of the high mountains. That was a language I was completely unfamiliar with.

I feel as though I am racing time, as two crucial senses diminish which puts this pressure to truly live today.

There's two profound things that come from time spent in mountains, including the sense of feeling truly alive and present, and being able to show up as my best and true self in this world, looking fear and the unknown in the eyes, and saying I would like to get to know you.

Part of me feels in disbelief or uncertainty because for so long I didn’t really think this pursuit and dream was possible, in fact, to many people I came across as delusional and crazy. Because of this I started to believe that I was crazy.

There are gonna be bumps in this life, sometimes we’ll slam hard (like I did yesterday, after hitting a car tire with my heel. I’m okay, I’d like to say it was a graceful fall). If we stay loose, we’ll likely be able to get up and go forward with a smile.

One thing the mountains teach me is my relationship with fear, fear of the unknown, fear of death, fear of being fully alive, it goes on!

Being up north, with the trees, little mountains, and quieter place, brings a peace when so often I am feeling sensitive and unsettled, stressed and anxious. I thought I could put my head down, breathe, and find peace but the peace has not yet come, in fact, it only seems to grow harder and more painful. I'm not sure why.

I’ve been spiraling these past two weeks into a pretty depressive state. My mind has that tendency and I’ve reached a precipice. This is a darkness I haven’t felt in a long time but I know I’m in a big transition and so the currents are throwing me around. I’ll make it through.

I’m breaking through a wall and the wall is sturdier than I expected so there will be some scrapes and bruises but I will get to the other side.

My weakness is my ego at times. I always feel that I need to prove something, that I am not enough because I feel a lot of pain and sadness in my life. I’m trying to overcome and Jiu Jitsu is helping me do that.

For all the reasons we discussed in the truck, with little and fragile hearing and vision remaining, I know it is most important, above all else, to take care of these things.

I could certainly hear lots of dirt roads in the background, sometimes they just want to be heard.

I went to Jiu Jitsu this evening and it was pretty good, but I got my finger caught in someone’s movement and it snapped back pretty hard. It made a nice musical sound 🥹 it probably going to look great tomorrow.

As I share bits and pieces it feels silly because, of course I had many moments over those years and what is worthy to share? All of it? What is the work? I feel as though I should be looking for particular moments, moments that stand out.

I feel afraid to go into my past.

There’s sometimes a lack of confidence in who I am, probably because of a lack of self-love, and so I often feel like I’m living from a place of not being enough, saying enough, having enough, and on and on. I will stop pretending, gently.

I keep using the word gently because I appreciate that way and hopefully, overtime, I can embrace a more gentle way.

When I start considering these alternative ways, I find myself coming back to the other half of my being, the half that has spent many days and nights in the wilderness and mountains, the half that has farmed, with my hands and body covered in soil, seeds and the natural elements. I think about the “freedom” of that world.

Lastly, I have a condition that is rapidly causing me to go deaf and blind, which makes Jiu Jitsu even more compelling, since one is able to feel their way through grappling. I don't need my eyes and ears and this has been an incredible realization.

The landscape is drastic. The oceans meeting these rocky islands and still people have found a way to inhabit them. The grapes actually sit very low and are formed like wreathes along the ground to avoid the wind. It’s wild. Even though they appear “small” they can be over a hundred years old… I don’t know if you’ve ever seen grapes grown in that fashion. The whole island is grapes.

It is exciting to keep pushing through. Day by day, sometimes I’m like a little bouncy ball bouncing all around the room, but other times I feel like a big planet steadily moving around the sun with ease, confidence, and certainty, remembering that the bouncy ball exists within something much larger and more stable. Then I remember that this beautiful planet exists within the universe, which just is, and all is well when I remember that.

We harvested beets yesterday which is exciting. Unfortunately, the broccoli and cauliflower were a total bust this season. I was going to roast the cauliflower anyways but when I saw the beautiful little bugs (hundreds of them, in fact) all inside and around, I decided that I was good without.

I don’t know what to say about the bug karma.. it is certainly a message. The bug gods are conspiring, but they only wish to “teach” you something I guess. I hope they can mellow out soon. That’s a bit ridiculous that the wasps found their way in, between the exterminator and everything else. It doesn’t seem to end, but I suppose you have reached the “big boss” level and everything is being tried against you.

The fear/shadow will always remain close, no matter what mountain

I am trying to climb to escape. For a moment, it may appear to disappear,

only to return around the next corner.

My Usher’s condition is rapidly growing worse and it is provoking tremendous fear, uncertainty, and sadness, as I don’t really know what will happen. I have this ‘freedom’, so to speak, being able to drive around as I do now and I am aware that it is becoming more and more dangerous. There will come a time that I may have to give up driving… I don’t really know what this will mean and honestly, it confuses me deeply.

I am doing alright, thank you. Just flowing along, as the river does. Am I aware of the river or the river itself?

I don’t know how to hold love and suffering together but I know they exist together.

I just want to live from a place of love always but it feels like a great wrestling match to get there.

I would freeze… I had a coach who told me I had incredible potential.

The paralysis would spread. The psychology is fascinating.

Same with soccer. Practice, I would feel deep calmness, but when it came to the game, it all disappeared, and my coach would bench me for entire games…. That didn’t help my performance, when I finally got subbed in for the last five minutes of a game.

It’s a beautiful unfolding process, a great mystery, really, and I do have faith in the process. The faith does not make the grief go away right now, but it is underlying it all. Plus, as all these superficial experiences die, it creates space to become aware of the deepest parts of myself in this world, which I don’t mind.

It’s funny to consider the distinction between conceptually understanding the growth and transformation that comes by way of pain and suffering and living through immense pain and suffering, uncertain of what the next day will bring.

Lastly, with a condition known as Usher Syndrome, I am rapidly losing my eyesight and vision, at a relatively young age of 29 years old. As with all things, this unfolding experience is the greatest blessing and teacher while also a tremendous source of sadness, pain, and confusion. At this point, there is deep faith, deep trust, deep love, and deep commitment, as I know the more that the senses grow dark, the more light exposes itself within.

What is with the 6am yoga bullshit? Why the change of heart. But I do hear you, these beautiful days pull us outside. I was contemplating that this morning, how lovely just heading out to the fammm would be, no shoes. Checking investments. In due time.

One of my greatest curiosities is exploring our somatic realm, and as my condition evolves, I feel increasingly encouraged and inspired by the somatic realm. BJJ has provided me with a gift of touch, that reassures me that all will be well whether I can see and hear or not . Regardless, all will be well. In fact, all is well.

Took a nice walk along the water, and thanked the sun and wind for being as they are.

In wanting to get closer to the heart of the matter, I think more often I talk around the issue, as I don’t quite know how to pinpoint the center. It’s also rather scary to look at the center and admit to what is there.

Perhaps, it is due to a condition causing a rapid deterioration of vision and hearing. As the external disappears, the internal grow brighter, so it seems, and so I hope.

Spent some time in the garden; growing vegetables is actually very challenging. I find that it is emotional, and everything starts to die unexpectedly. I started harvesting more potatoes in the main garden as the bugs, in just three days, are taking over. The larvae are pretty funky, let alone, squishing them with my bare fingers.

Repeatedly, I wonder what amount of ‘hardship’ is necessary for the cultivation of a great wisdom, if that makes sense, as I know a little bit can teach us something, but a lot can wear us down to nothing.

And, that is excellent news - to hear that you are “mended.” If fact, I don’t know if I’ve heard that verbiage of “mend” before, but it is a good one. I feel one of my main goals is to be “mended.”

The colors have been terrific these past couple of weeks.

I am always amazed; traveling north into the mountains is like time traveling through seasons.

A lot of big questions, not new questions, are arising, such as who am I, what am I doing, and why, and I am trying to welcome them all with Grace. It does not always look that pretty.

It’s hard to know if I am running away from something or towards something, but I am definitely running.

It is funny how often it feels to me I have no words, while I struggle to say anything at all. I hope to continue “improving” my writing, whatever improvement may entail.

I wish I could say that my flow is working and good for me, but the exhaustion and sickness signal otherwise. I am just afraid to stop.

I trust that this is a slow, subtle and patient process, a lifelong process. Slowly, we recognize what is true and change accordingly.

As for the pup, I think that is a critical next step in the development.

Pup -> Land -> Farm -> Infinite Bliss Consciousness.

I’ve always feared a routine, as if that were boring or ordinary, and to compensate I felt the need to push harder, travel further, etc. But now, in a similar way that I view the companies I love and care about, I look for boring, and see something very special in the endurance over a very long period of time.

I know the “climbing of this mountain” is merely a step by step process, only to find out there was never any mountain to begin with. But, to actually know this, and embody this is different, and I’m getting there slowly.

I do understand you on the rollercoaster, and believe that we may "eventually" be able to get off, perhaps by realizing there was never a rollercoaster or the notion of somebody on a rollercoaster lol.

I do think, above, or surrounding, or immersed in it all, it will be certainly be okay, as it rolled along before us, and will continue rolling along (so I believe) after we are gone, and our little glimmering star only appears for short and beautiful while. I hope that is not too depressing of a consideration.

A great old pine tree takes time to become it’s full expression. The full expression and potential of a human being, blossoming and flourishing, how much time does it take?

With the changes (in vision), it is forcing me to slow down, literally, observing my steps more carefully, which is challenging me to shift my approach to life and how I walk and move through the world. It’s frustrating and upsetting at times (often), but also liberating occasionally, when I “see” more. Yet, it varies, and the emotions around it all are unpredictable. Part of me wants to fight the world, part of me wants to pour love… the answer shows itself little by little I suppose.

And, I will not even pretend like I have figured out the apple trees. They too bewilder me, but I am happy to keep paying attention and learning.

I feel far from spirit today, but this cup of coffee is quite good.

Ah, Amazon, fish oil for Moose. That’s what the urge is. That’s what arises in this moment.

MSR needs fixing. House needs vacuuming. Espresso machine needs some cleaning and loving. Invoices need to be written. Look at the beautiful and never ending list, and here I sit dreaming of the great mountains out west.

Thank you for the grass that needs to be mowed, the lawn that needs to be cut, the mountains that do not need to be climbed but it is a great desire.

Lovely, a phone call, a few emails. And we are back, we made it approximately fifteen minutes, until I gave in, gave up, pivoted, reacted. But we’re back. We’re back, and better than ever.

To give my thanks to the animals that live and die for the human being, for the trees that get cut down, to every mosquito that I kill, and what for, what for, the fear within me, what for, why am I so afraid?

Eager for the mountains, eager for the shining sun, for the remaining vision in my eyes, what else do I have, what else can I do?

Truthfully, it has been a while since I have popped an ollie. I think about it often, though.

Last week, we harvested 150 heads of garlic, and this week we are starting to dig up baby potatoes, and this brings a simple kind of joy inside.

Spaciousness is fearsome place. I don’t really know how to stick with it. Another place, another time, another activity, another passion. Anything to fill in the quietness.

Thank you for the weeks that fly by. Thank you for the months that fly by. The sun that shines but for a moment, and a world that grows darker, and darker, and darker.

I'm afraid that I'm just a man of ideas, you know, someone who has a lot of great ideas, a lot of great concepts. I even can talk so elegantly about being human.

At 30 years old, I have about 60% of my central vision (my peripheral vision is narrowing). I am "night blind," as well, but I continue to find ways through, thanks to existing technologies (hearing aids, headlamps, etc). This is why grappling and yoga continue to be fascinating movements to connect with.

How we reach for love, a mentor, a teacher, a friend, a lover. How we stretch our arms, and realize they should have been wrapped right here, and around ourselves.

I am not sure who will receive this but my hope is that this note will end up in the right place.

Even on the cloudy days, even when the eyesight is gone, the sun is still shining. Even in the anxiety, even in the fear, there is clarity and calmness.

The mountains, I call out to you. Will you help me?

I forget my breath from time to time, and just have to remind myself. Hello kind breath. I am trying, I am trying.

I put netting over the raspberries, even though the birds already ate them prior to the netting going up.

But do I believe it, not yet. Not until I make a million buckaroos. Just kidding. Not until I can see again, just kidding. That is not the way to peace. Peace is a home we can rest in.

And I use it, I think, to cope as well, to feel relief. You know, just putting a berry in my mouth is sweet.

How can I open my shoulders, reset myself, after closing in and closing down for so long, much too long? Open up, and let the world in, a little bit of light, more or less.

Two of the bluebs are dead, or dying.

The peaches look great, as with the apples, as with the grapes.

The squash look great, after all. You are right, and I love you.

I always appreciate and embrace the silence, which frankly, can always be found, as you know.

The being said, I am also aware of a growing light inside of me, even with all the hard days, and that is encouraging.

It's like trying to kind of climb every mountain, or trying to make as much money, or— there's no end. And then, like, the question is, am I enjoying anything at all if I'm just flying and flying and flying? And, you know, it's funny, like the faster I try to achieve, the faster that the days go, the faster that life goes, and then all of a sudden it's gone.

I have had a bit of realization this season, since growing many pounds of potatoes, sweet potatoes, garlic and onions (as well as, perennial flowers), is how much enjoyment I derive from these crops specifically. I have invested in 12 lbs of seed garlic for next season…. We’ll see how that goes.

Even, like, a very simple walk in the woods is not a simple walk in the woods. It's, like, a careful step-by-step, -step, you know. It's uh, getting colder. It's getting darker as we go into late September, and I feel absolutely devastated.

You know, how do you pick one mountain when there's a million mountains? How do you pick, like, one trail when there's a million trails? Somehow we do, you know, hone in, and somehow we do, based on a number of reasons, factors, inputs and outputs, we do land, you know, on our deeper intuition.