Exploring Darkness

Hello my friends,

Today, I am looking at a little piece of my sadness and fear, watching it move through me. Without changing anything, I want to understand what these states are when I notice them, while just letting them be. The feelings of the unknown, uncertainty, confusion, and chaos.

With the world fading away due to my hearing and vision loss, everyday, in certain respects, grows darker. Simple things are vanishing before my eyes. I trip over things down low and run into objects and people I do not see. Nobody understands what I am living with. It is interesting to see the anger and frustration in others when I crash into them. Of course, they should be confused. As it is often a passing moment, I do not have the time to explain the 'why.' All they see is a young kid, who is perhaps not paying attention, oblivious, or doesn't care.

I do care, more than one might imagine. I am trying, we all are! It's crazy to observe parts of the world quickly fading. I try to grab ahold of something, but when it comes to degenerative conditions, they have a mind and plan of their own. It feels the best course of action is to surrender and accept what is, as fighting doesn't do much. Fighting merely makes me more upset with the world and a hatred towards myself for my limitations and inabilities.

I move about slowly as I try to take each step intentionally, while also making sure that I do not run into anything or anyone. Navigating the city is an ordeal, yet I still make every effort to continue engaging. One part of me would like to turn away and give up. I cannot do that. I mean, I can, but I will not do that, as I want to participate. I have tried to opt out and have gone down and explored a dark path.

The darkness certainly remains within, but I am trying to keep my head high and hold onto light, love, optimism, and hope. Really, just a settling, accepting, and embracing of who I am and the present moment. And when exploring this self, I mean, who am I, really, deep down beyond the superficial, beyond the mind, the body, the thoughts? I suppose one clear gift of this condition, for which I hold tremendous gratitude, is that it has encouraged me to ask big questions about the nature of being, inspiring expansive curiosity for a fascinating world outside and within.

I will go deeper and deeper into the self, exploring being, creativity, passion, and space. I will learn how to open my heart, and let this experience simply flow through me. Certain aspects of this experience grow ever more challenging, making me want to scream, "stop." But, I cannot force anything. In fact, I think gentleness and compassion for myself and the world is the only way.

I am grateful for you taking a moment here today, and for receiving these words. Life is a fascinating and unfolding experience, and it blesses us with the incredible opportunity to learn and connect. Learning, teaching, and sharing is the greatest gift, and even in these darker moments, I feel endlessly thankful for this possibility. It is incredible to have the ability to go inside ourselves, and ponder the nature of our being, and really, feel into it. Feel into who we are from the heart. A little sparkle of light will show itself.

Much love,

Tyler